There is no stopping and starting... only DOing.

Another quote from Millman's "Peaceful Warrior".

Still on a high from the CUE conference and ready to push my students even farther, I walked into my classroom this morning energized and full of excitement.

As I began setting out materials for the day I noticed little pieces of crayons in odd places.  Looking more closely, I saw them nearly everywhere around the room.  Confused and a little dismayed, I gathered them up and took them to the supply shelf and to my great disappointment I realized that there were no "whole" crayons.  Every single crayon that I had brought to the room was broken.

I put the crayon bits away and continued to set things up for the morning.  When I got to the side of the room by the front door I stopped.  A beautiful green pot that holds one of our ponytail palms was in pieces.  Pebbles from the bottom of the planter were piled onto one of the cracked pieces.  Disappointment turned to anger.  Anger at the lack of respect for the environment that we have created in the room.  Anger at myself for spending money on things to make the room beautiful that will never be recovered, nor will the pottery be replaced by anyone other than me.  Anger at myself for not listening to all the other teachers who chastised me for bringing things into the room and trusting the kids to take care of them.

Why?  I keep asking myself.  What makes students, who are respectful and thoughtful and kind while I'm present, have a complete disregard for the very items that they thank me for on any other day?  What makes them misbehave and break things when I'm gone?  Why?  What's the point of it?

Yes, I understand they're children.  Yes, I understand they're middle school children.

What I don't understand is - I greet them at the door with a smile; I speak respectfully to them; I do not ridicule or speak with sarcasm in a demeaning way; I always use "please" and "thank you"; and yet, what I am given is rudeness, disrespect, meanness, defiance, disregard, profanity and this...  Certainly this does not apply to ALL of my students - but just a handful of students with these behaviors and demeanor can drain the goodness and energy from the rest so very quickly.

Students were on a field trip today.  I remained behind with those who were not invited to attend due to their behavior choices, as well as students who simply did not turn in a permission slip.

"Am I going to get my money back?" a student asks as I walk past him to my desk.

"Well," I begin, "when you pay for something, but then choose behaviors that prevent you from attending, it doesn't warrant the return of your money.  For example, if I purchase concert tickets and then get a traffic ticket and have to go to court on the day of the concert, TicketMaster is not going to refund my money.  Do you understand?"

"Then, I'll just smash in the windows on their car," the student laughs.

Truly, I don't understand this train of thought.  I know it's a result of his own experiences and the world that is uniquely his.  I am saddened that he has had no other examples of personal responsibility and accountability.

So, I breathe deeply and try to "take out the trash" in my own mind.  Be present in the here and now and tell myself, "I can be a model of respect now, here, in this moment."